A Collection of Crack!: The Matrix
by SuicidalImbecile
Summary: "Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of crack on paper. That is the sound of your lulz." It's filled with crack goody-ness and wonderful madness. Ratings may vary.
1. A Newborn Dracula

_Title: A Newborn Dracula  
Rated: T/M  
Warnings: language, secks, intense moments_

_NOTE: This is purely for fun and for lolz. This is not serious writing and I'm only posting it laughs. If you don't like crack!fics or Matrix parodies, don't read.  
Also, I know this has more than one topic/character in this that is _not _The Matrix. The reason it's not under crossover is because there's honestly not one other fandom these fics can be classified under. Problem? Deal with it. :D_

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Matrix, Blacula, DBZ, or anything else mentioned in this._

_"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of crack on paper. That is the sound of your lulz."_

* * *

Morpheus was what he liked to call himself "a lean, mean flesh eating machine." This landfill of a world that was piled with shit twelve feet high, suited Morpheus well. They scorched the sky with their dragons a long time ago. Dragons have since died out. Like the dinosaurs. Just like the fucking dinosaurs.

Morpheus liked the lack of sunlight that caused everyone else to be depressed. Unfortunately, Morpheus did not know depression could lead to suicide which is why he was so surprised when he learned his chair-lover killed himself. The bastard never cared for Morpheus. He never even said goodbye. It was during this time of loss that Morpheus became a putrid, flesh eating machine that nobody dared to say hello to. "Fuck dat shit," said the beast. "Fuck dat shit to fuckin' shit."

Morpheus walked all gangster like down the flights of Zion's marble grand staircase. Angels were carved into the sides of the stairs like angels were often carved as and paint derived from gold lined the angels' chubby bums like McDonald's lined your arteries. Morpheus knew he was forbidden on this staircase... Shit, everyone knew. The only being allowed on them was the Count Fucking Dracula, himself. And sometimes... Even the Goddamn Count wasn't allowed on them, that's how bad-ass the staircase was. That's how bad-ass the Count was.

So Morpheus, with his swag on, ascended the staircase. He had some trouble getting up the stairs in his gangster pursuit but he didn't care. He didn't fucking care. He's Morpheus, remember? Well not for long. The Dracula appeared out of fucking nowhere and pushed Morpheus down the staircase. Unlike the staircase, this scene was not grand. Morpheus laid on the ground, incapacitated. "What da fuck, dawg? I's had my swag on, bro 'nd yo' bitch-ass got me goin'. C'mon down here, bruddah, yo ain't got no syle," said Morpheus, broken on the ground. You may think this 'black talk' is a delusional Morpheus, but no. Sadly, this is the real deal.

The Dracula Instant Transmissioned to Morpheus. Instant Transmission, thought the Count of Love, I'll have to thank Goku for that one. "You," said the pale white demon. "You have interrupted my slumber. You shall pay for your sins!" And the Dracula leaned in for what Morpheus thought was a kiss.

"Boi, get yo' lips away fro' mai face. Only dem bitches in da club can touch dat. You sicko, punk-ass white boi. Get da fuck away." The Dracula went past Morpheus' lips and to his neck, biting right above Morpheus' bling. The Morph-man screamed like he was getting his vagina ripped open by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Blood oozed from the man of Morph's neck exactly as a bottle of clogged ketchup wouldn't. As the Dracula sucked harder than a flaming faggot, Morpheus's eyes glazed over. He thought of honey-glazed donuts. It was the gangster's last thought before he became... One of them.

Several minutes later, Morpheus woke up to the Dracula standing above him. "Yo' dawg, what you do dat fo'? I be raped in da ass by you 'nd you'da betta worn yo' rubber cuz dem bitches don't like no STDs from da Morphah."

"Silence!" The Dracula shouted, as if there was a crowd of people around him instead of just one man. "You are not the man called Morpheus anymore. You are a creature of the night." Imagine blaring xylophones and marimbas creating suspense and horror. The music is overpowering and at once it stops as Dracula declares, "You shall be called... BLACULA!"

It's been thirty years since Blacula was born. He woke up in the year 2199... Or somewhere around that time. They don't have fucking calenders in this shit hole. Blacula went into the bar he did exactly thirty years ago. "Dracula must be dead. There's no sign of him anywhere," said Blacula. The readers have now learned that Blacula outgrew his gangster phase, thank fuck for that.

As Morpheus entered the bar, he saw a woman that looked a lot like Captain Niobe because it was indeed, Captain Niobe. "Oh, heavens," said Blacula. He sauntered to her and bought her a drink with the money he conveniently found in his pocket. "You look familiar," he told her. "You look like of those bitches in the club I met. So beautiful, so luscious." He looked towards her neck.

"What's your name?"

"Blac... Morpheus," said the newborn Dracula.

"My name is Niobe. Let's go have sex," Niobe said to him. Morpheus was in awe. This was some horny bitch. She was a modern day Mesopotamian storm demon, known as Lilith. Her breasts had no milk and she was unable to bear children. She was as ugly as a troll but it didn't phase the Blacula.

They made sweet love in the darkness. "You're hairier than the other women in the past," said Blacula. Niobe's eyes went red and they glowed against the darkness.

"Morpheus," she hissed. "Mooorrrrpppheeeusss." Her coarse body hair became scales and she stuck out her tongue.

"JESUS TITS!" Screamed Blacula. Something was seriously fucking wrong with her. Her tongue was split into two. Her tusks emerged from the side of her face and hooked under Morpheus' arms. This was some grave shit he got himself into. Her split tongue crawled into Morpheus' nostrils, his nose blocked by the two tongues. "What do you want?"

She had grown into the size of a Basilisk and her snake body wrapped around Morpheus' waist. "I want your boogies," she hissed. "And I want your brain." Luckily, for Blacula, the storm demon had no knowledge of his vampyrism. The Blacula's fangs stretched out over three feet long and he bit her.

HOLY BALLS! Vampire fangs are poison to storm demons. The Lilith had been slain. "Fuck yes!" screamed Blacula. "The beast of always! The beast of your soul!" He laughed maniacally like Mr. Hyde after he became Jekyll. "I have avenged my species. It is time."

Morpheus opened Zion's skylight. He burned. His flesh had burned into the Holy ashes. They would be used at the next Ash Wednesday. Underneath the ashes, was Blacula's skeleton. On Good Friday... He would rise again


	2. House Meets the Family

_Title: House Meets the Family  
__Rated: T/M  
Warnings: language, intense momens_

_NOTE: This is purely for fun and for lolz. This is not serious writing and I'm only posting it laughs. If you don't like crack!fics or Matrix parodies, don't read.  
Also, I know this has more than one topic/character in this that is _not _The Matrix. The reason it's not under crossover is because there's honestly not one other fandom these fics can be classified under. Problem? Deal with it. :D_

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Matrix, House, or anything else mentioned in this._

_"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of crack on paper. That is the sound of your lulz."_

* * *

"ZOMG. NEO, YOU'RE SO UGLY WITH YOUR BURNED EYES," Morpheus yelled. It had been seventy-twelve days since Morpheus and his bitches found Neo. Trinity was dead. Morpheus was sad. He would have been even sadder if Trinity was his bitch. No, she was Neo's…

"Fuck you, Morpheus," Neo said. He was laying in one of Zion's hospitals, which was named Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching _Hospital (named after Neo's mother's maiden name translated into Latin)._

_Doctor Gregory House walked into the room, smelling the sexual tension-or was that Morpheus's fart? He couldn't tell. "You're all dicks," House said. It wasn't unexpected._

_Neo hadn't heard the man. "What?" he asked._

_House looked irritated. "What do you mean, 'what'? You're blind; it should make your hearing better…" Neo's mouth dropped like this smiley face's Dx. House slapped Neo's face but Neo didn't react. "…Along with the rest of your senses." Then, House jabbed his cane into Neo's crotch, just 'cause he was a jackass like that._

_"It's a good thing Trinity's dead, huh? LOL because it might be a little harder to have kids now! That and because you're sooooooooooooo old!" Morpheus was LOL-ing._

_While House and his bitches tried to figure out what was wrong with Neo, Morpheus took the pleasure of slapping Neo._

_House was so puzzled with Neo's case that he overdosed on IC Minocycline and died. His bitches were so depressed over their master's death that they killed themselves too. It was tragic._

_"WHERE THE HELL IS MY DOCTOR?" Neo yelled._

_"Right here, darling," Morpheus said from the corner._

_"Have you been drinking?" asked Neo._

_"LOL YEAH! I WAS DRINKING YOUR MOTHER. OHHH FUCKING BURN!"_

_All of a sudden, the last living sentinel in Zion came out of the closet and shot Morpheus in the head. The sentinel fell on top of him, a message playing: "Battery empty. Please recharge."_

_Cuddy ran into the room and screamed, "HOLY SHIT! A SENTINEL? GTFO, BITCH!"_

_Morpheus was taken away in a body bag. Nobody paid attention to Neo's problems._

_The moral of this story: _**Don't be a loner, cover your boner**


	3. YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

_Title: YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!  
Rated: M  
Warnings: LOTS OF SECKS, language, nail-biting moment_

_NOTE: This is purely for fun and for lolz. This is not serious writing and I'm only posting it laughs. If you don't like crack!fics or Matrix parodies, don't read.  
Also, I know this has more than one topic/character in this that is _not _The Matrix. The reason it's not under crossover is because there's honestly not one other fandom these fics can be classified under. Problem? Deal with it. :D_

_Dedicated to a good friend of mine, RainAwhile. I hope you appreciate this madness._

_Disclaimer: I do not own The Matrix, Maury, or anything else mentioned in this._

_"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of crack on paper. That is the sound of your lulz."_

* * *

Neo was in a pickle. Not literally, of course, because that would be upsetting and salty. Neo had discovered he was a sex addict, much like his friend David Duchovny. Neo like to plow anything that moved. Even the sentinels. Oh, how he clenched around their cold, metallic lumber. Fuck, it was good.

The Nebuchadnezzar was filled with young men and a woman. Neo watched from his seat in the mess hall as Mouse walked by. _Damn. I'd like me a piece of that ass_, thought the newly recruited addict. Mouse caught his eye and winked seductively. He knew Neo's plans. He knew Neo's _desires_. He knew Neo wanted to fuck him into oblivion and bathe in his obliterated remains. That knowledge turned Mouse on like a dead light bulb that got a surge of electricity from the heavens. And the bulb's light illuminated in the clearing.

As Mouse left the mess hall, Neo ran after him and grabbed his arm. Mouse swung around and looked into Neo's eyes. The tension between them was unbearable. Neo felt like ejaculating right here on the bridge, allowing his cum to pass through the steel grid and plop onto anything and everything below it.

Mouse's voice was stinky as he said, "I want you in my pants, Neo."

Neo plugged his nose while moving closer to the young man. He thrusted his clothed hips into Mouse's, repeating that action again and again like a robot would do to a washing machine, as featured on Robot Chicken. "Kay," said Neo.

Neo led Mouse back to his cabin and slapped his bum as he stepped inside. "FUCK YEAH. GETTING ME SOME ASS TONIGHT." Mouse was even more turned on by this exclamation.

As Neo took off their pants and rubbed their hard twigs together, their rat infested hairs entangled as if they were building a bird's nest. Neo was pushed onto his cot and Mouse shoved his log into Neo's mouth. "Chicken, chicken, chicken," Mouse moaned, trying to hypnotize Neo into thinking he tasted like chicken. Chicken was damn good. As was this act of passion. Mouse felt as if he were the light bulb that the heavens had been injecting too much electricity in him until he realized CHRIST! This was no heavenly Gods blessing him with power, this was SATAN! Satan was cursing him with the power of light, and Mouse's bulb exploded before it was too late to flick the power off. Fuck.

As Neo swallowed the liquidized chicken, it burned through his ribcage and stomach and intestines alike until it launched itself to Neo's ovaries and latched onto an unexpected egg. Neo and Mouse had just made a baby. It was unknown to both members of the party and Neo was sad when Mouse left without pleasuring him. Neo was sad and angry and horny at the same time. _It's the hormones, Neo,_ the readers reminded him. _Pregnancy causes things like this._

Neo waved his wood around the room until the air had jacked him off and Neo fell into a coma-like sleep. He woke up from his coma the next morning and felt hornier than ever. He took a surprised Morpheus into the back room where Neo had played his first game of _Seven Minutes In Heaven_ only a few days ago and Apoc fucked the shit out of him. Morpheus came into his hand and took an eyedropper and injected his semen into Neo's bum hole. Morpheus liked to feel clean with the true effect of sex. Neo was satisfied for now. But not for long.

Later that afternoon, Neo's sex addiction struck again. Cypher had been ever so oiled up after fixing the ship's amygdala. The ship was alive, of course. The thought of an oily trunk in his butt made Neo feel as if he was in heaven. Cypher, the mind reader, knew of this and did what Neo's desired. As he rammed his branch into Neo, Cypher repeated "Bejeezus! Whoa! Bejeezus! Whoa! Bejeezus! Whoa!" It was as if he were a broken record player.

These sexual acts went on for days. Neo had screwed nearly everyone on the ship. Mouse, Morpheus, Cypher, Apoc, Tank, Dozer… He even became bi-curious and went for it with Trinity. Luckily, she kept a strap on with artificial cum inside to use with Neo. He had sex with everyone but Switch. And he didn't plan to go anywhere near her.

Neo's problem was finally admitted and he received treatment. After a month of being free, Neo missed his period. He wasn't sure if this was normal because it was the real world, but he asked Morpheus to make a pit stop in Zion and have a doctor check him out. Their journey into Zion lasted 305, 280 minutes. Exactly 7 months. Neo was indeed pregnant. His belly had swelled to the size of a printer. It was rectangular in shape and occasionally paper would shoot out from under his shirt. He didn't mind though. It meant the baby was healthy.

They had finally made it to Zion after Neo's months of pondering who the father could be. Neo went straight to the 86th floor. It was Maury's floor. He figured he might as well get some publicity from this shit. "Maury," said Neo as he sat on Maury's couch. The cameras were rolling and the stage lights were causing beads of sweat to form on Neo's forehead and underneath his baby's shell as he glared at Mouse from the opposing couch. Neo told his life story and how he suspected Mouse to be Neo's babydadda. It was time for the moment of truth. Maury built up tension and the cameras zoomed in on Neo then switched to Mouse. Heartbeats raced and pounded. The paternity test came back and Maury said slowly with building enthusiasm, "Mouse… You are NOT THE FATHER!" Mouse stood up and cheered, dancing Michael Jackson's _Thriller_. The crowd roared with hoots and boos. Neo cried himself to sleep. He cried so hard that he had put himself into another coma. This time, Neo woke up from his coma seventeen years later.

The war had mostly obliterated Zion. Only the medical ward was left, much to Neo's luck. Two dark haired men stood at his bedside as he came to.

"Daddums, look! He's waking up," said the younger of the two.

"I know, son. I know." Neo opened his eyes and stared between the two beautiful men. The elder man sat on his bedside. "How do you feel?"

Neo stumbled over his words. "I-I… Who are you?"

The younger man's vomited several pieces of paper. "I'm your son," said the teenager with a computerized voice. "This is my father," he pointed to the elder man sitting on Neo's bed.

"_D-David?_" asked Neo, obviously in shock. The man nodded. "David, it's really you? It is!"

David Duchovny caressed Neo's cheek. "Of course, baby. It's _always_ been me. Ever since that night, I've loved you."

Neo, David, and their son group hugged as the machines threw a bomb towards the med center. Nothing would ever be the same.


End file.
